Introduction
Ok. I know this is going to be a controversial topic. But if you are going to do it, do it right. Afterall, the goal here is to look after you, young Padawan.
Just to be clear, I’m not trying to encourage you to cheat on your wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, post man, whoever.
There are many reasons as to why you might want to, and none of those reasons are any of my business.
However, the reasons for cheating are often complex and multifaceted, and there is likely a deeper issue that needs addressing.
I’ll discuss that in more detail in a later post. But for now, here are some “best practices” for cheating and not getting caught.
Mötley Crüe
The inspiration for this article came from a story I heard about the legendary 80’s rock band, Mötley Crüe. Apparently, certain members of the band would often stick their dicks into burritos to mask the smell of other women’s vaginas, after they had been cheating on their wives and girlfriends.
That got me thinking. Did Vince Neil’s girlfriend have a vagina that smelt like a burrito? Did he add hot sauce? And is there an easier way, that doesn’t involve a jalapeño rinse? Here are the best tips and tricks to avoid getting caught when cheating.
Don’t Make Drastic Changes To Your Schedule
If you are cheating on your partner, the first step to avoid getting caught is continue with your daily routine as normally as possible. Let’s say you habitually come home from work everyday at he same time.
Suddenly, you start coming home later and later . . . perhaps smelling like a Chimichanga. Nothing is more suspicious than sudden habitual changes.
- Try to keep your routine as close to normal as possible without making any sudden changes.
- Slowly start adding events into your routine that can be used as a cover story. For example, “One of the guys from work invited me to play tennis twice a month on Sundays. I do need to start working out again. We might grab some burritos afterwards”.
- Have a look at your current habits, routines, and patterns and try to fit your extra curricular activities into your usual program.
Separate Finances
This step can be difficult to achieve depending on your relationship. But it is crucial if you want to cheat and not get caught.
You need some money that is completely separate from your regular accounts. You can set up another bank account, or keep some extra cash at work.
This may require some creativity, especially if you put your salary into a joint account.
Digital Privacy
Nowadays everything can be tracked through your digital footprint. If you are cheating on your partner and don’t want to get caught you absolutely have to master your digital privacy.
Here are the best practices to avoid getting caught when cheating, by mastering your digital privacy.
Use a VPN
Using a VPN (Virtual Private Network) offers several benefits, including enhanced security and privacy by encrypting your internet connection, which protects your data from hackers and unauthorized access.
It allows you to bypass geo-restrictions, granting access to content and services that may be blocked in your region.
Additionally, a VPN can help maintain anonymity by masking your IP address, making it more difficult for websites and advertisers to track your online activities. Overall, a VPN provides a safer and more unrestricted internet experience.
Delete Browser History and Chats Regularly
Get into the habit of regularly deleting your browsing history and chats. Leave any chatrooms and delete any private messages. Make sure that anything that gets deleted doesn’t sit in your recycle bin.
By default, most services will keep your deleted files in the recycle bin for up to 30 days. The deleted files can be restored quite easily. You can change the settings on your phone to skip the recycle bin and delete files automatically.
You should also delete any apps and app history if you are using them to book hotels or meet people. If you use the android play store click on your account in the top right corner > Settings > General > Account and device preferences > Clear device search and history.
That will erase any search history from your play store. If you are cheating on your partner and don’t want to get caught, delete EVERYTHING. Delete it OFTEN.
Avoid Social Media
This is by far the biggest rookie mistake if you are trying to avoid getting caught when you are cheating on your partner. You need to become a monk when it comes to social media.
Don’t spend hours browsing through pictures, don’t leave comments, don’t like everything that your new amigo posts. Nothing.
A close inspection of someone’s social media accounts is the easiest way to find out if someone is cheating. You are incognito. You don’t follow the people you like. If you use social media, keep it boring. Follow tennis players to keep up the charade that you are playing on Sundays with your work friends.
Incognito Mode For Dating Apps
If you are going to use an app like Tinder, or Bumble. You should pay for 1 month or a premium membership. These premium memberships usually allow you to go incognito and hide your account from other people.
Only people you want to engage with will be able to see your account.
Remember to delete these apps from your phone when you are at home. You can also delete the payment history from the app store.
A premium membership also allows you to use the travel mode so you can meet people in other places. which brings us nicely to the next tip.
Distance
If you are cheating on your partner and want to avoid being caught, you need to keep distance between you home life and your secret life.
That means staying as far away as possible from your neighborhood, your partners work place, you get the idea. If you are cheating with someone you work with.
Keep it out of the office. Leave separately. Keep distance. You don’t want to have to explain to anyone why you were fired for eating tacos in the janitors closet.
Distance should be calculated appropriately. It would be highly suspicious if you were suddenly traveling to another city for no real reason. Far enough to keep a safe distance, close enough to be home for dinner.
Gear
If you are cheating on your partner and don’t want to get caught, you will need a few things to avoid rousing suspicion. First, you will need a safe place to keep your ring (if you have one and can take it off comfortably).
Think a zipped pocket inside your regular backpack or jacket. Need a safe place to keep a spare credit card? Between your the back of your phone and phone case works well. Some cash under the sole in your shoes. Be creative!
Food
Mötley Crüe burrito jokes aside, food can be a powerful weapon when you are cheating and don’t want to get caught. If you are trying to disguise certain smells, like perfume, or burrito fingers. If brushing isn’t an option, consider eating something with a strong smell to mask any lingering scent.
Conclusion
There are many complex and multifaceted reasons for why someone might want to cheat.
Whatever your reasons for cheating on your partner, if you want to avoid getting caught you should consider using a VPN to protect your digital privacy, keep a safe distance between your personal life and your secret life, separate your finances, and most importantly avoid significant changes in your daily routine.
Remember, if you absolutely have to go down the burrito route, opt for the least spicy option.
Do you have any tips to avoid being caught when cheating?
